Not as Bad as it Seems
October 27, 2009
Most of us grew up hearing many messages from our families, school teachers or other kids that suggested we had a lot we should feel bad about; we heard about everything we did wrong and very little about what we did right. Our school work was covered with marks that pointed out everything we did wrong; our mistakes at home got the most attention; and the nearly all the most dramatic feelings we heard were about our failures. It’s not surprising then that after all the repetitions of the negative we often end up feeling we’re not very worthy of positive feedback.
Negativity narrows us. We tend to have a narrower range of emotions, less creativity, fewer social connections, have a harder time with self-insight and more. The effects of negativity go even further though, we tend to be more affected by illness, have less resilience and be more prone to responding to others negatively.
Many of my clients find that it is as hard as anything they’ve done to try to find the good in themselves. I ask them to appreciate themselves and they freeze. I ask them point out the positive changes, or where they’ve succeeded and I get blank stares and a, “This stuff is hard!”
After we’ve worked together for awhile my questions will begin to bring a pause and sometimes a big laugh – they have caught themselves in a negative, dead-end thought process. Recently, one of my clients explained just how hard it was for him to notice the positive. He said with a wry grin, “What you’re asking is just about as hard as giving myself a frontal lobotomy.” Awareness and humor are a transition point for many of my clients.
They start noticing and sharing a few things they are proud they did, or an aspect of their personality they like. They discover that when they look at themselves carefully there are many more positive things to report on than negative. The day they interrupt me to be sure I noticed a positive piece of growth or success in an area we’ve focused on, that’s the day they realize this positive stuff isn’t as bad as it seems; in fact, eventually, it’s no harder than eating an ice-cream cone on a hot day.
Therapy is about working to bring more joy and meaning into your life. If you’re ready for a transition or even assume you can’t change, give me a call and let’s find a way to discover the positives.
Szifra Birke
Self-Correcting
October 19, 2009
Coaching has three distinct steps:
· Learn how to address a topic or issue you want to change
· Implement an effective approach or solution
· Keep at it through the ups and downs of your life
Using a system even when things are going well, or making adjustments in routines so that you don’t fall behind again is one of the major challenges to managing responsibilities more effectively. For many high-energy, bright, creative people routines can quickly become boring and our attention will drift to the next new or interesting project.
I find it tricky to help clients understand they need to stick with the coaching process until they have practiced pulling themselves out of a backslide toward chaos. When coaching has helped get things going better, and there is room to breathe again, it can feel discouraging to contemplate the next failure, but inevitably the pressures will build; you will drop your adherence to the systems that you learned; and pretty soon you will need to stop yourself and re-start the process. Done early, a restart can quickly get things back on track.
Each year sports teams start their season practices with conditioning (most players have let it slide during the off season) and practice of the basics (both to reestablish high quality patterns and responses and to build player skills to a higher level.) Musicians regularly play scales slowly and deliberately so that they can listen and improve the fundamentals their creative music depends on. Those of us that lead complex lives need to practice the fundamental skills that help keep us focused during times of pressure, skills that encourage us to quickly work our way back into proven routines.
You can always call your coach to remind you of what to do when things start coming apart, but your coach should also be helping you develop the ability to become self-correcting. Only with practice will you see a pile of papers that has grown too big and say, “I need to do a quick sort of this pile, but I have to be careful not to get too involved. I’ll set a timer for 15 minutes and try to make one pass through it.”
When a project is late you will stop for a minute and say, “Have I scheduled time in my book to work on this? What is the next small action to take to get started?” Or you will recognize that you don’t feel pressure yet, no one is upset at you – yet, and you will practice the techniques you learned to generate some of your own sense of urgency so that you get motivated to get to work.
Becoming self-correcting is a huge step toward successful self-regulation; be sure it’s on your agenda and your coach’s.
Jay Livingston
The Myth of Multitasking
October 8, 2009
I was recently asked to write an article on multitasking and wanted to share some of those insights with you. The take home message – there is no such thing as multitasking, at least for your brain. The human brain, even yours, is not wired for multitasking. The brain is complex and sophisticated enough to put a man on the moon, but it has a fatal flaw. The brain is only capable of paying attention to one thing at a time.
This may be hard to believe given the numerous reponsibilities we are bombarded with daily. But even while you are diligently juggling 20 tasks simultaneously, your brain is actually only paying attention to one at a time. When you multitask, your brain has to rapidly shift attention back and forth between those items at hand. This very minute your brain may be toggling among reading this blog, your blackberry pinging, the telephone ringing, and your toddler crying in the next room.
Why is this important? It turns out that the microseconds it takes our brain to toggle between items has a time cost associated. And the time costs increase the more complicated the tasks. In other words, when we multitask, we lose time! Those microseconds lost with each attentional shift can really add up at the end of the day. That is the myth of multitasking.
Researchers from the Federal Aviation Administration in collaboration with the University of Michigan found that students asked to solve 2 math problems did so faster if they completed one at a time consecutively rather than simultaneously. The speed of task completion was also faster if the task was less complex and familiar.
This research suggests one way to improve human performance is to stop multitasking! Your brain truly works most efficiently when completing one task before attending to the next. Contrary to popular belief you are not saving time by having your email inbox open 24/7. You are losing time. Feel free to share this blog with your boss.
Some practical tips:
- Try answering emails on a schedule i.e. 3 times/day.
- Open only one computer program at a time and complete that task before opening the next window.
- Hang your version of a Do Not Disturb sign to limit interruptions.
- Limit cell phone use while driving (those microseconds of shifting attention could cost a life).
- Remove all technology from the dinner table.
- For household mail use the OHIO principile “Only Handle it Once”. Act on it, file it, or toss it. Just don’t pile it!
- In conversations practice repeating back or paraphrasing what you just heard. It forces you to focus and helps the other person feel understood.
- Meditate – the ultimate focus!
Theresa Cerulli, M.D.
Nothing Changes Until Something Moves
October 5, 2009
Dear Friends:
Pinned to the wall in my waiting room, hangs a quote by Albert Einstein that reads, “Nothing changes until something moves.” I confront it every morning as I walk into my office. There it waits on a bland, white, 8 by 11 piece of paper. It waits for anyone walking past to notice it, to read it, and to ponder its meaning.
When I stop to consider it, Einstein was likely thinking of physics when he wrote it, but it makes perfect sense in the world of human emotions. When it comes to how we understand ourselves and others, you see, nothing does change until we decide to imagine and construct our thoughts differently.
I frequently speak to men, for example, about the relationships they have with their wives, children and partners. Too often, I hear these men talk about wanting to tenderly reach out to those they love and tell them how they feel, but that they hesitate to do so. Hesitation to fully express oneself emotionally can be the result of many influences. Sometimes these men had no role models to teach them, through their actions, how to love and cherish another. Sometimes they feel their words are inadequate. And, sometimes they fear the possibility of ridicule and rejection of others. For whatever the reason, powerful hesitation persists.
When confronting hesitation and avoidance, I often think of Einstein’s quote, along with the age-old advice, “time and tide wait for no man.” Life does move along on its own timeline, doesn’t it? The opportunities we have today to reach out to others may quickly vanish tomorrow. I wonder how we would act if we knew that we only had today? How much would we express to others? What of ourselves would we want to give to others? For as many times as I have raised these questions, I am too often met with, and perplexed by, that all too familiar and deeply entrenched avoidance and hesitation.
Hesitation to create movement in how we see ourselves or how we relate to others can be painfully obvious to the afflicted. I frequently ask the avoidant person if the avoidance they know so well is working for them. The nearly universal response is “no.” If we avoid, we do it for a reason. We do it because that’s how we were trained to deal with life’s challenges and upsets. That is all we know. Burying is another form of avoidance. As one client recently noted, “burying is a survival technique, but not a happy technique.” Burying, avoiding, denying and hesitating are all part of the human need to survive. But, if by avoiding conflict we keep ourselves from others, our “survival” comes at a tremendous cost.
And so, for all who wait, vacillate and hesitate, I am reminded of yet another quote. “There are none so blind as those who will not see.” What I sometimes find myself wondering is what will it take for the “blind” to see? Whatever it will takes, please remember that time is not on our side.
Best,
Walter
Walter Sherburne, Psychotherapist
walter@sherburnecounseling.com
www.sherburnecounseling.com
617-797-8739
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