Start Changing Right Now, for Couples
November 29, 2009
Ken and Mary found their relationship deteriorating more and more often into angry blaming sessions. Neither felt they were being listened to or understood, and neither experienced the other as trying to make it better. They had seen a therapist a few years back but they found themselves in the same spot again and asked their family physician for another referral.
He appropriately asked them why they weren’t going back to the original therapist. Mary answered most simply, “We talked a lot about how our parents’ marriages affect us, and shared our feelings, but we never really understood what we should do when we were in the middle of a blow-up.”
Their physician hesitated, and then asked, “I can refer you to a couples coach. You should each expect to be challenged to change your own behavior and learn new ways to communicate. It’s all very practical and focused on your present situations and behaviors, but it can be too direct if what you really want is to have someone sympathize with you.”
Both said they wanted to try it and he gave them a referral to me. Boy were they surprised at the first meeting when I told them, “I don’t want to hear your story. I just wanted us to start with one of the conversations that you find it hard to have. We’ll use the conversation to take a look at your individual conversational strengths and weaknesses, and come up with new strategies.”
They started talking with each other about how they wanted to parent their children and almost immediately Mary started blaming Ken for not being consistent. I stopped the conversation and asked her what she was trying to accomplish.
This simple question opened up an explanation of her feelings, but once we had briefly reviewed them I suggested we start the conversation again and this time we got a bit further before Ken calmly explained that Mary didn’t respect him or his parenting style.
Once again I stopped the conversation and told Ken that I heard that was how he felt, but it was presented as an assumption about Mary that might just be his creative story and have little to do with what Mary really felt. I encouraged him to check it out.
This conversation went on for the hour and a half we had scheduled and in their summary both Ken and Mary were more accepting of their role in conversational failures and motivated to clear things up. I gave them things to try at home and we wrapped up.
Couples Coaching is about changing current behaviors so that an individual can get what they want out of a relationship. It focuses more on effective and lasting change, and learning through actions, then on supportive empathy. It isn’t right for every couple, but can be powerful for highly motivated couples.
If you’re interested in having your questions answered about Couples Coaching, contact me or phone me at 978-446-9600.
Jay Livingston
Thanksgiving and Giving Thanks
November 25, 2009
Holidays can be a wonderful time to reconnect with others and with ourselves. It can be a time of reflection and rejuvenation. A time of love and sharing. But holidays can also be incredibly stressful as we all know too well. With the added responsibilities and challenges associated with planning, traveling, errands, gifts, and entertaining cousin Fred, we may all find our working memory maxed out. This time of year can be particularly stressful if you are someone struggling with ADHD.
One way to combat the holiday stress is to remember to focus on strengths – yours and others. We spend so much time venting to our friends and families on what is wrong in our lives that perhaps we have lost sight of what is right. Thanksgiving is a perfect time to try a new outlook. It is a day for giving thanks, a day of affirmations. We can thank ourselves for our accomplishments, which on some days may simply be the ability to get out of bed in the morning or managing our frustrations with a modicum of finesse. Perhaps on a larger scale we can thank our family, friends and colleagues for being in our lives. Or maybe we can be spiritually thankful for simply “being”.
What is it that you are thankful for? Remember, changing behaviors is not about punishment, it’s about reinforcement. Wouldn’t it be nice if what you are reinforcing is the positives? To change your outlook I suggest you may need to change what you choose to focus on. Spend more time thinking your way into a better place. With each thought you are creating a memory, a track in your brain forever. Choose carefully. Be kind to yourself.
Today I am thankful for some simple pleasures that I often overlook: my daughter’s smile, the smell of my old golden retriever, my health. I am thankful for working in a field of medicine that I love and for the opportunities to lecture nationally on a topic near and dear to my heart – ADHD. I am thankful for my patients and their families, some of whom I’ve had the privilege of treating and sharing in their lives for over 10 years.
Happy Thanksgiving and Giving Thanks.
Theresa Cerulli, M.D.
A Little Bedlam is Good for the Soul
November 11, 2009
I went home to Chicago last week and dropped in on an adult day care center to check it out for my 84 year old Dad for a visit. When I arrived the assistants were very cheerful and kind, walking around serving the members lunch. “It’s all about structure,” they said. “Our activities are very predictable so no one gets confused.” As the manager led me to a chair in the back of the dining room, many of the folks looked up and followed me with their eyes. Their expressions reminded me a first grader meeting his new teacher for the first time – hopeful, cautious. The hot turkey and mashed potatoes on their plates was apparently no match for this stranger in a bright yellow running suit.
I sat in the dining room and after a few minutes a couple folks put down their forks and hobbled over to sit with me. The others watched silently as the bold ones came forward. They sat down at my table and just looked at me. I greeted them and introduced myself to the welcoming committee. I might as well have been from Mars. One woman muttered a brief “hello” and that was it. The silence could have gone on for days; they just stared at me. The others, hesitant to join the three others at my table, watched in earnest waiting for me to say or do something. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a new deck of cards (“Old Maid”, go figure!) that I had bought for my little niece. I said to the group, “Does anybody know how to play cards?” At that moment, members of the group turned in their chairs, laughed and some raised their hands as if they were waiting to be called upon. Others shouted out names of card games they had played years ago. I heard “Vegas!” from across the room. Before I knew it, a dozen members surrounded my chair and the lively discussion began, leaving lunch behind. Interruption, overlapping, furniture bumping and a few cheers from the crowd jolted the staff out of the kitchen to witness “a break” in the structure. Horrified and stunned, the staff tried to temper the disarray and return the folks to their tables, but with little success. Yep, I blew the lid off “structure.” Clean up was late, bingo was cancelled that afternoon. But, according to the manager at the day care center, the girl in the yellow suit and the deck of cards will keep them talking for weeks.
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