Listening for Leaders
December 28, 2009
I happen to catch the Green Beret Qualification trials on the Discovery Channel last week. Tirelessly, these sleep-deprived candidates had to climb walls, run through sewers, jog for miles with 150lb back packs. During one maneuver the group was divided into four teams. Each team had to construct a harness from a few pipes and rope and carry a 400lb barrel of fuel on foot for six miles. The teams were given strict time limits to carry out this rigorous mental and physical task.
Aside from the physical strength, endurance and clear thinking required to haul this barrel; it all came down to the leadership to make it happen. The winning team, as determined by the Green Beret instructor, was the group leader who put his ego aside to listen to his team, construct the most efficient harness and motivate his team to pull the weight. The winning team’s leader took into account all members’ suggestions. As time was precious, each member made suggestions built upon the previous contributor. It was up to the leader to pull the ideas together, commend those who offered suggestions, assign roles and supervise the execution of a plan. The leader of the successful team made all members of the team feel valued, whether their ideas were used or not. This process of mindful listening kept spirits high and was key to mobilizing the strenuous follow through effort to haul that barrel to the finish line.
Releasing Toxic Shame
December 21, 2009
“To feel shame is to feel seen in an exposed and diminished way. …you turn your eyes inward, watching and scrutinizing every minute detail of behavior. This internal critical observation is excruciating.” John Bradshaw
There is perhaps no human emotion more paralyzing than shame, greater even than fear itself. Unfortunately, many of the people who walk into my office are consumed with an overwhelming sense of personal shame. The reasons are as varied as the people themselves.
• I have not succeeded in school because I am too lazy.
• I was victimized as a child and I believe I should have done something to stop it from happening.
• I gamble because it’s the only way I can imagine finding financial freedom, but when I lose, it only makes things worse.
• I don’t speak to my wife the way I should.
• I don’t trust other people.
For one such shame-filled client, I put a sign up in my office which reads:
Attention: You have just entered a shame-free zone
The wording of this sign is purposeful since I believe that therapeutic progress cannot be made if one is mired in that sense of shame. The coat of shame needs to be taken off and left at the door before the real work can be done.
It is important to define the type of shame I am referring to. When we mess up, whether it’s joking with someone in an insensitive manner, or something more egregious, embarrassment assists us in the process of recognizing our mistakes, taking responsibility for them and then making amends for our transgressions. Shame, on the other hand, is a toxic belief that we are unworthy, loveless or unredeemable. “Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you’ve done something wrong; but you can repair that – you can do something about it. With toxic shame there’s something wrong with you and there’s nothing you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective.” (Leo Booth/John Bradshaw)
Toxic shame seems to condemn us to an existence of self-loathing, endless emotional pain or existing in a state of numbness to the world around us. Shame anesthetizes us to the possibilities of growth and relationship with others. Shame binds us and holds us captive, no different than a prison cell. It is the toxic shame that we need to recognize as destructive and unhelpful if we ever hope to find peace and connection.
There is always a reason why we do the things we do. The fact that we blame ourselves or see ourselves as defective is a construct that most often other people gave us. Take my examples above.
• I have not succeeded in school because I am too lazy.
o If, like many of my clients you have ADHD, you weren’t organically designed to be immediately successful in a classroom. If teachers and parents keep telling you that you just need to work a little harder, what option did you have other than to blame yourself and feel shame?
• I was victimized as a child and I believe I should have done something to stop it from happening.
o This is common reaction of children who have been abused. Adults have the power. It is their responsibility to keep a child safe; not the child’s, and yet most victims take on the burden of trying to figure out how they could have prevented the abuse.
• I gamble because it’s the only way I can imagine finding financial freedom, but when I lose, it only makes things worse.
o When we find ourselves in this type of financial bind, it is easy to understand how desperation drives us toward unlikely hopes about how we can be delivered from our anxiety and fear. Most people don’t confront overwhelming challenges with rational thoughts. And while it is normal to wish financial woes away by gambling, it virtually never works. These are times to ask others for help and ideas about how to move forward to resolve the dilemmas.
• I don’t speak to my wife the way I should.
o While there are many reasons why this may be true, there is usually some environmental factor which fuels this difficulty. If we lacked role models, for example, on how to speak with a spouse, or we struggle with a low self-appraisal, intimate communication with others is never easy.
• I don’t trust other people.
o Trust is something we learn from our parents and other important people in our early years. If adults proved to be untrustworthy, why would we trust anyone? In my experience, most individuals with this type of history have a “wish/fear” related to intimate connections with others. They both long for intimacy and, given the dominant, fearful expectations held tightly within, they reject it. The promise of intimacy and unconditional love is experienced as nothing more than a shallow or empty gesture. The recipient of such an offering, in order to keep themselves safe from the harm of disappointment, believes that they must reject the overture and assume it is not real. They remain “safe” but alone, isolated and shame-filled that they cannot obtain that which they crave.
All of these situations involve people who are simply doing what they were programmed to do, or are responding to painful situations the way most of us would. Why then, is it appropriate to feel guilt and shame for doing what makes sense? I don’t like it when I see people misunderstand their capabilities, or blame themselves for being victimized, or utilizing flawed strategies to make things better, or keeping a distance between themselves and others, but I understand it. I don’t judge it, rather, I attempt to help those “afflicted” with shame understand where it came from and how to put it down! If there is “fault” to be assessed, usually the fault sits with someone or something else. And when people are caught up in shame and guilt, they almost always fall back on the very behaviors and attitudes that keep them in distress or alone.
Once freed from the shame, individuals can then utilize all of their cognitive energies to managing their lives more effectively. No one deserves to sit with crippling and paralyzing shame. Shame doesn’t move people forward, it merely keeps them held back from experiencing life in its fullest form. While we all need to learn from our mistakes, we all too deserve to live an existence free of toxic shame.
Walter Sherburne, LICSW
68 Park Street
Andover, MA 01810
617-797-8739
walter@sherburnecounseling.com
Moving and Fidgeting
December 6, 2009
I was watching a video piece about a stand-up, school-room desk and was pleased to see an accessory it features, a foot swing. Let me back up.
I find myself more and more interested in stand-up desks as a way to counteract the effects of sitting long hours. When I get time to reply to emails or work at my computer, it feels like a great time to be on my feet, moving and maybe even burning a few calories.
So, as I have been perusing the web exploring stand-up desk options. I discovered a company that makes stand-up desks for students that has a “U” shaped metal rod to rest a foot on, and the rod swings. The kids report that it helps them manage their energy and even stay out of trouble – sometimes. I love the idea and have always provided something similar for my clients, many of whom have ADHD.
Every chair in my therapy room has at least one fidget object near it, soft stress balls, clear plastic magic wands with floating confetti inside, coasters, pillows and foot rests are the current selection. Clients find wonderful things to do with these items as they work off enough energy to sit and talk with me. The balls are constantly flying from hand to hand or being thrown in the air and caught one-handed in a continual game of catch, squeezed to a pulp.
The magic wands get twirled between fingers, rolled between hands, stared at with hypnotic attention as the confetti floats languidly down only to have the wand flipped on its end sending the confetti floating down once more, or beat like a drum stick, with an occasionally desperate rhythm, against clients’ legs.
Pillows get hugged, folded, punched and prodded. Coasters are slid, balanced on end, tossed and tapped. Foot rests are pushed and pulled. An observer of my sessions would be hard pressed to find a moment of complete inactivity during the 60 to 90 minute sessions.
One client told me that he knew I understood ADHD the minute he saw the “toys.”
Szifra (Shifra) Birke
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