Unplug to Plug In
April 10, 2010
Entrepreneurs and business people I work with often ask me for help “being a better dad,” or “being a better partner/spouse.” These high-energy, on-the-go people want to find ways to have more connection with their children and spouses.
I asked one owner of a mid-sized business, “Do you have any chance to talk with your son in the evenings?”
My client responded, “Some, but by the time I get free he’s getting ready for bed.”
Another dad told me his daughter “wasn’t that interested in talking.” And a third sighed and reported that he was treated like a stranger by his kids.
When I followed up with specific questions I discovered that each of these men brought major work home with them every night and on weekends. I’m not talking about the traditional briefcase full of papers, I mean responses to be made to emails and phone calls – Blackberry jam – you know the sticky stuff that gets all over your family time. Though they didn’t intend it, their kids were relegated to (and likely felt like) second class citizens.
My suggestion is pretty simple, unplug!
I’ve encouraged these successful men (and women) to experiment with 5-10 minutes of being unplugged from their Blackberries— shut it down or put it far enough away that you will not here it. Yes, ignore it. It doesn’t work to just set it for vibrate – you’ll probably keep checking to at least see who called.
You need time to look into your children’s eyes and say (with words or your attention), “Nobody’s more important than you! How’s your life going?” Or in the case of young children, “How’s Elmo doing?”
I get laughed at when I suggest 5 minutes. My high standard clients think 20 minutes is a more realistic time, until they get home and try it. After 5 minutes they start feeling the “gotta check it” withdrawal symptoms. You know the signs—hands in the pocket, Blackberry being played with or quick glances just to see who it’s from.
If you’re really going to “be there” with and for your children, then you need to create a strong motto for your home life, something you can use as a touchstone when the going gets tough. Something like, “My kids deserve this uninterrupted time with me alone.” “My email isn’t more important than my kids, wife or husband.”
Most of my clients quickly adjust and keep themselves free, well, for at least 6.5 minutes.
Good luck.
Szifra (Shifra) Birke
Telling Stories
April 5, 2010
“We were at the store and she began telling me that I couldn’t buy the lawn mower. But I wasn’t going to buy it; I was just asking to see if I could get a discount. She got moody and…”
I surprise many of my new coaching clients when I tell them we’re going to skip the rest of the story. Many of them have been encouraged in therapy to tell these “war” stories. And I can imagine times it might be helpful, but most of the time I don’t want or need to hear them.
My coaching takes a forward pointed approach – “Where do you want to go from here?” not so much “Where have you been?”
When I begin to hear a story that is full of the kind of passion and even blame that underpins most disagreements with partners, I just barge right in and call a stop. I’m interested in only one aspect of the story. What could the speaker have done differently to have a more effective conversation, to reach their goal, to create an alliance with their partner, to change their behavior?
I know life is hard and conversations with partners can be very difficult, but the chances of changing your partner are slight if you haven’t changed yourself. So, I start with the most interesting part, how to change your behavior – the one area of life we all have some control over.
Stories allow us to rehearse our past mistakes and support our old, tired way of seeing things. Looking for new ways to redo the same old situations lets us practice new behaviors and ways of seeing things. Start your new behavior by imagining how to redo the old patterns.
What to do with your feelings about how you’ve been treated or spoken to is trickier. But you have to be careful that you don’t just fan the flames of your feelings by telling the story.
Growth and change, that’s what’s important. When I see my clients changing, I know we’ve hit the right balance.
Jay Livingston
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