A Reflection on Acceptance
June 18, 2010
“To succeed, it is necessary to accept the world as it is – and rise above it.”
Michael Korda
I recently sat with a young man who was telling me why he was feeling so down, discouraged, and guilty. “It’s all that acceptance stuff” he said. “All that acceptance stuff” sounds pretty important, doesn’t it? In fact, the notion of acceptance is a fundamentally crucial step in the development of all people. By this, I am not promoting the notion that we all just need to simply accept everything in our lives, but rather stop beating ourselves up for the human limitations that we all have, while being aware of and celebrating our unique gifts.
Acceptance comes in many forms. The young man sitting across from me was talking about his sense of how accepting his parents were of him, which in turn had shaped his self-image, and his ability to be self-accepting. If you met this young person, you would likely see what I see. He is intelligent, quick, artistic, verbal, handsome, gentle, caring and loving. So why on earth would he need to struggle with the notion of self-acceptance? As we work to better understand this question, we are increasingly clear on one fact: He did not create that sense of being “less” or like a “failure.” Others did that for him, especially his father.
It is never my intent to vilify a parent for a child’s pain. It serves no purpose to do so, but it is important for this young man to know where these feelings came from. His sense of not being good enough come, in large measure, from the messages he received, and continues to receive, from his father.
As Father’s Day is upon us, I am reminded of a reflection I sent out one year ago. In part, I included the following:
Men tend to be “bottom line” thinkers. They don’t want to talk around something; rather, they want to get to the point. This kind of short-circuited dialogue can create obvious tensions in any relationship because too many important things are left unsaid.
If inadequate communication between adult partners can be problematic, between fathers and their children, it can be toxic. Children, whether they admit to it or not, anxiously watch for signs of approval from their fathers. In my practice, many young people report an easy going and open relationship with their mothers while they frequently describe the exchanges with their fathers as limited or absent. This leaves many children wondering what their fathers are thinking and sometimes assuming the worst.
So, why don’t fathers come by this connection thing more easily? Many men were raised to think that expressing how they felt was a sign of weakness. Men often tell me that they can express emotion but that the range of emotion is frequently limited to anger & frustration. While men can identify feelings of hurt, love, insecurity or frailty, it almost always comes out as anger, or it doesn’t come out at all.
The young man in my office wants, and needs, what we all want and need…validation. Validation is most importantly provided by those paternal and maternal figures in our lives. Without that sense of unconditional love and acceptance, we leave our sons and daughters to, at the very best, wonder if they are “adequate” in our eyes, and at the very worst, struggling with “all that acceptance stuff.”
No one should have to struggle with the notion of acceptance as children and yet too many children do exactly that. And those children grow into adults who carry that overwhelming fear of not being “enough” to relationships with their bosses, partners, and their children.
So, it is time to stop right where we are and challenge ourselves to be more self-accepting, whether we received that message from our parents or not. And if we are parents, we can begin to undo damaging messages of the past and help our children gain the kind of self-acceptance that all of us need in order to survive, and thrive, in the world around us.
With the passing of another Father’s Day, I would encourage fathers (mother’s too) everywhere to consider how they might want to communicate differently with their children. Considering the well-being of a child who knows they are abundantly loved and cherished, it certainly seems worth the effort. And it’s really not that difficult to do…just sit down each of your children tonight for two minutes, hold them and tell them that they fill your heart with pride and love. (THEN REPEAT DAILY) I guarantee that the children who hear that message go on to discover unqualified adult happiness.
Best,
Walter
Walter Sherburne, Psychotherapist
walter@sherburnecounseling.com
www.sherburnecounseling.com
978-470-HOPE
Calming Strategies for Children
June 7, 2010
“He’s a terror when things don’t go his way … We’re always worried that he’s going to make a scene and embarrass us … We find ourselves walking on eggshells, trying to avoid one of his meltdowns.”
I hear a lot of that kind of thing from parents of children I work with in my practice. They tell me they often feel stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted from their child’s frequent struggles and outbursts. Parents jump at the opportunity to learn some effective strategies for coping with this common challenge.
As children move through their day, they are bound to bump into situations that are potentially upsetting. Some children are born with calmer temperments and better self quieting skills, while others need to actively learn and be taught how to cope with everyday disappointments and frustrations in a positive way. This is one of the most important things a parent can help a child do. No child enjoys being out of control … it’s simply the only tactic he knows. The good news is you can help your child learn strategies to cope with his emotions constructively and have an easier time getting along in the family, with peers and in school. The bonus — you get to have stress relief, too!
Creating a “My Hard Times Board” (suggested by Peg Dawson EdD and Richard Guare PhD in their book “Smart but Scattered”) with your child utilizes an excellent tool for teaching him new calming and coping strategies. Remember these few tips before you begin:
- Child and parent collaborate throughout this entire process.
- Choose a time to design this plan when your child is calm and receptive. Nothing constructive can be developed during an outburst!
- Make sure there’s plenty of opportunity for practice each day. After all, Tiger Woods could never make those spectacular putts without lots of it. Even he misses on occasion and so will your child. Mistakes will happen – you can bank on that. But, your child will be reassured when you let him know that there’s always another chance to try again later.
STEP I: Together with your child, identify and record a couple of the most common triggers to your child’s outbursts (i.e. parents say “no,” plans don’t work out as anticipated, your child is told to stop doing something fun to do something less enjoyable, your child thinks things aren’t fair).
STEP II: Together, list and record your child’s “can’t do” behaviors that he often uses when he is frustrated (i.e. yell, hit, throw things).
STEP III: Together make a list of your child’s “can do” behaviors to replace the undesirable ones that occur when he is beginning to feel upset. This list is most effective when your child’s personal interests are represented so that his choices are engaging and interesting to him. (Examples of “can do” strategies follow after Step IV).
STEP IV: Now that the board or chart has been designed and your child is invested in the process, it’s important to keep it going by implementing the following concepts.
- A good way to get started is to have your child choose one of these strategies (that follow) and practice the technique with your child for a few minutes each morning and after school. During each practice have your child pretend he is getting upset, describe the body sensations he feels when he is angry and rehearse his calming strategy. Expect to practice these strategies many times before seeing your child using them successfully. Research tells us that it takes 21 days to make a new habit.
- You and your child might want to develop a special signal, a visual or verbal cue, that is a reminder to use one of his calming strategies. Remember, when your child chooses one of the positive behaviors on his “can do” list, it’s time to offer up enthusiastic praise and even tangible incentives such as stickers, rewards or special activities. Everyone loves a prize for a job well-done!
Here’s a sampling of “can do” strategies for calming and redirecting behavior. Personalize this list by creating names that resonate with your child.
- Happy Birthday: Teaching children to take deep breaths when they begin to get upset may seem simplistic, but it’s a lifelong skill for managing stress that has emotional, behavioral and physical benefits. Explain to your child that we all have warning signs that tell us we are getting angry. Help your child recognize the signs his body is sending out that lets him know that he’s getting angry (i.e. face gets red; fists clench; heart pounds; breathe faster). When he feels the warning signs, have him take three deep breaths. Next have your child hold up his hand, palm toward his face with fingers spread. Coach your child to blow on each finger as if he is blowing out five birthday candles, one at a time and very slowly. When you see your child getting frustrated, you might say, “Now might be a great time to blow out the candles.” In the beginning you might want to do the breathing along with your child. Set the pace, modeling for your child and letting your calm presence soothe him.
- Cozy & Cool: With your child’s help, create a “safe spot” where he can go to regroup. This special, positive place in the house is where he can go to calm down, sort things out or just chill out when he needs to be alone. It could be a teepee, a beanbag chair, a hammock, or any space your child sees as comfortable and inviting. In the “safe spot” include soft items like blankets, stuffed animals and a basket of quiet time activities that he can play with while relaxing (books, puzzles). Encourage your child to go to his “safe spot” when he feels himself becoming upset. Teach him that sometimes in an angry situation it is best to walk away, go to his “safe spot” and cool down.
- My Never Never Land: Use relaxation visualization to design an imaginary place that makes your child feel calm. Help your child create a mind picture of a special place that makes him feel peaceful with all of the colors, sounds, textures, and smells that go with the memory. For example, a child may have a happy memory of a time at the beach. When he feels upset, he can take a “trip to the beach.” He can close his eyes, smell the ocean air, feel the sand between his toes, and feel the sun shining on him. Given the opportunity to run with this, your child may add props to further enhance the experience. One child I know took his towel and sunglasses to his “beach retreat” whenever he needed a “beach break.” How clever is that!
- Picasso’s Playground. Build a spot that includes an array of art materials that can be used independently as a calming and quieting activity. For some children, working with clay, drawing, or doing crafts is soothing and distracts them from the dilemma at hand. As time goes on, try adding new items to keep up the novelty and high interest of the center. Parents, keep a ready supply of items to have on hand so that you can change and rotate art supplies as needed. Keep your eye out for those treasures that might hold your child’s interest.
- Shake, Rattle & Roll: Your child can take a walk, shoot baskets, jump rope, swing on a swing, kick a soccer ball, bounce a ball, or dance to his favorite music. Some children get calming benefits from physical release.
- Beatles & Beethoven: Create a listening center with a CD player and earphones where your child can go to listen to music, books on tape or sing a song into a microphone. Dust off that old karaoke machine!
- Splish Splash … Takin’ a Bath? For some children, water is soothing and comforting and gives distance from the problem at hand. Try bubbles in the sink, sprinklers in the yard or an old fashioned bubble bath.
There is no single strategy that is good for every child and every family but with lots of practice, role playing, and simulations, children learn new calming techniques that can help them think before they act. Over time, the goal is for your child to develop both the skill and confidence to handle difficult situations on his own without getting upset and losing control. Remember the best way to teach kids how to manage upsetting feelings constructively is to model calmness through your example. Together, and with a lot of patience, much love and lightheartedness, you and your child will find a calmer and more joyful path.
Doreen Fay EdD
Emotional Impulsivity – A Core Component of ADHD
June 6, 2010
Throughout history disorders of attention were described to include symptoms of emotional impulsivity, as seen in writings by Alexander Crichton (1798) and George Still (1902). Problems with regulating emotion were intially recognized as a core feature of ADHD. But during the 1960′s and 1970′s symptoms of emotional impulsivity/emotional self regulation were split off from the core criteria of ADHD as we know them today: inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. Dr. Russell Barkley just published a wonderful discussion article in the Journal of ADHD and Related Disorders arguing that emotional impulsivity should be returned to its proper status as a core symptom of ADHD.
What do we mean by emotional impulsivity? Why does this matter? Examples of emotional impulsivity include impatience, quickness to anger, easily frustrated, over-reactive, and easily excited. These characteristics are frequently seen with ADHD, yet often unrecognized as a core part of the condition. Frighteningly, these folks may be misdiagnosed as having a mood problem such as depression or bipolar disorder instead of what is really going on – their ADHD!
Over the years in practice I have seen many ADHD kids mistakenly labeled as bipolar. Their over-reactive nature gives an impression of a mood problem when the child is instead struggling with self regulation of attention and behavior. They have difficulty putting on the brakes in their brain. Similarly adults with ADHD can be impatient or emotionally over-reactive, which could lead to misdiagnosis. Unrecognized and untreated these features of ADHD can lead to problems at work and home.
I should also mention ADHD frequently does co-exist with Depression, Anxiety, Sleep Disorders, Bipolar disorder,etc so it is indeed possible to have more than one condition. Making an accurate diagnosis can be tricky. If you are seeking an evaluation for ADHD, I encourage you to work with professionals who are specialized in this area. Getting an accurate diagnosis is essential to getting the right treatment.
Theresa Cerulli, M.D.
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