Singing Our Own Songs
June 5, 2009
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
Henry David Thoreau
“Alas for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Recently, a therapy client referenced Henry David Thoreau’s quote about men who live in “quiet isolation.” This individual felt a strong connection to the notion that most of us live within ourselves, hidden from those around us. When I went to research more about Thoreau’s work, I happened upon the famous Oliver Wendell Holmes line, “for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them.” The quotes from these two authors are often merged to read, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”
The words of Thoreau and Holmes were penned in the mid-1800’s, but I suspect that they are more relevant today than ever before. What a sin it is to quietly despair, not sharing our thoughts, joys, worries and hopes with others. There are many reasons why so many of us live in hiding. One of the most obvious is the fact that, as a society, we have placed such an ever-increasing emphasis on independence that we have left little room for the importance of “community.” We communicate through text messages and emails with people across the globe while too often not even knowing our neighbors.
But there is an even more pervasive reason why we keep ourselves hidden from those around us. Too many of us are burdened by a sense of shame. As a therapist, I can attest to the power of shame, and there is no shortage for the causes of shame. We feel shame about our shape, size, professional status, athletic performance, and school achievement. Feelings are also a powerful source of shame. When we experience depression, self-doubt, anxiety and fear, we mistakenly believe that no one else would understand, and even worse, that we will be ridiculed after admitting to feeling frail. In short, we hide from others so they won’t see how “deformed” we feel we truly are.
Just this morning, a member of my men’s group summed it up like this: “I’ve been hiding out…being this way in life is not very fun.” Another group member, while sharing a recent breakthrough in communication with his wife, said, “telling others how you feel is the center of everything.” Having the freedom to share ourselves fully is, to paraphrase Oliver Wendell Holmes, the act of singing our own deeply personal songs.
And so I ask you, what songs have you sung lately? Who knows how you feel? Who have you cried to, laughed with or held? “Dan” was right, life without connection to others isn’t very much fun at all. And if you are reading this and saying it’s too late for me, IT’S NEVER TOO LATE to connect to others. There are probably those around you already who would sit and listen. And if you don’t think you have anyone there for you, it’s okay to ask for help from a family member, a friend, someone at your house of worship, and yes, even a therapist. Life is too short to postpone the joy of connection!
Walter Sherburne, LICSW
Make an Appointment with Your Anxiety
May 5, 2009
Keeping Anxiety in Its Place
I was recently invited to give a talk to a group of clients from a financial planning firm. These successful people had good jobs, adequate savings and potentially rich lives. They were in no danger of losing it all in the current market situation, but there was an awful lot of worry and anxiety in the room.
Worry and anxiety are fear of something that might happen in the future; fear of something that hasn’t happened, isn’t happening and may never happen. When we allow worry to become a major player in our life, we are letting our fear of the future hijack our enjoyment of the present.
I wanted to give my audience some simple, practical methods to reduce their worries so I shared a technique with them that I teach some of my therapy clients.
Corral your worries into a specific time and place. Since worry is focused on a vague and uncertain time and event in the future, it isn’t anchored to any particular time and place now and therefore it can easily begin to creep into all your activities and situations. It’s crucial that you find away to give yourself a break from it.
Trying to ignore a worry is often no more effective than trying to not think about white elephants. Thinking about not thinking is thinking about it. You get the idea. So I suggest you try giving the worry a specific time and place all of its own. Make an appointment to worry.
Imagine looking at your calendar. Choose a time when you will bring your attention to worries. For example, you can decide that you will worry from 3 to 3:30 every other day. When you find yourself starting to worry at any other time, your job is to stop, notice what’s happening and promise to spend time worrying tomorrow between 3 and 3:30. Then you attempt to return to a productive or pleasurable activity. If the worry comes up again, you note it and promise to spend time at the next designated worry appointment . If you have multiple worries, keep a list of all the things you want to worry about during your scheduled time so you don’t forget any.
For this to work you have to fulfill your commitment to actually take the time to worry. You won’t put the worry aside if you know you might not take the time to focus on it later. Keep your appointment and worry. You may find that worry takes another form; it might end up being less like diffuse fretting and more like actual problems to be attended to. Build credibility with yourself and follow through by paying attention to whatever is on your mind that is concerning and preoccupying. Write, talk out loud—whatever is the best form of attending to your worries.
Each time you put aside the worry and make it wait for its time, you develop your ability to do that with less effort the next time. It’s like exercising in order to build a “wait for it” muscle. The new pattern begins to build new circuitry in your brain and it becomes easier and easier.
For more information about managing worry and anxiety you’re welcome to call for an appointment. 978-446-9600 or send me an email with your contact information.
Szifra Birke
(My name only looks impossible; it’s pronounced SHifra).
Honey is the Answer
April 24, 2009
Some sayings are familiar and end up being supported by research findings. “It’s easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar,” is one example.
It would be surprising if you didn’t agree with the old saying, yet very few of us practice its advice in our daily lives. Well, researchers have proven once again that positive feedback is in fact more powerful than negative criticism at “catching” behavior change in a positive direction.
In one study, researchers videoed people bowling and then showed them the playback while pointing out either the mistakes they made or the things they did correctly; people improved much more with the positive feedback than with the negative.
Other studies have shown that parents of tough kids improve their parenting when their children’s positive actions are pointed out, and that people can be trained to change actions and behaviors with nothing but positive feedback.
There is a growing movement of consultants using “Appreciative Inquiry” to help businesses and organizations solve long-standing problems and develop new strategies. Those of us who have practiced these approaches with organizations and with individuals are struggling for a descriptive label to identify positive approaches. “Appreciative Coaching” is a possibility as is “Positive Coaching.”
There is another group of us who wants to be sure that “Strength Based Coaching” is properly placed with the other positive approaches. Recognizing and building on strengths is a pivotal aspect of many approaches.
The bottom line is to be selective, choose to work with someone who appreciates your strengths and will reflect the most positive aspects of you living your life well. Be certain your coach gives at least 3 to 1 positive to negative feedback and holds a vision of a brighter future that builds on your strengths.
Is this a Pollyanna approach? No, it just focuses on where you want to head, not where you tripped.
For more information call Jay Livingston at 978-446-9600, email me at Jay@LivingstonServices.com or visit my website at www.LivingstonServices.com
Driving with ADHD
March 9, 2009
A recent article in Dr. Barkley’s ADHD Report brings to light some frightening research regarding the risk of driving with ADHD. Among other skills, driving requires prolonged sustained attention, impulse control, planning/executive functioning, and the ability to ignore distractions. So researchers wondered if having ADHD could make all of these tasks more difficult and therefore potentially impair driving performance. A good question to explore given the safety concerns around operating a motor vehicle.
In order to answer that question, researchers have compared actual driving records of those with ADHD verses those without and found an increased rate of car accidents, speeding, loss of license, and traffic violations among the non-medicated ADHD group. It turns out that these risks decrease significantly if the individual is taking medication for their ADHD. These results were further supported by studying individual performance in driving simulators – a video game type experience – comparing groups of drivers with ADHD to those without.
So just how risky is driving with ADHD? The answer is shocking. If you are an adult with ADHD not taking medication, your risk of driving impairment may be as compromised as a driver with blood alcohol level of .08% (the legal level of intoxication in the U.S.) In other words, a sober individual with ADHD may exhibit symptoms behind the wheel of a car similar to that of a drunk driver. Seems hard to believe, but driving under the influence of ADHD can be as dangerous as driving under the influence of alcohol.
Additionally the ADHD individual in this study was more likely than the non-ADHD participant to consider themselves capable of driving despite having equal doses of alcohol. The ADHD group was under estimating both their level of intoxication and impairment. For further information the study can be found in the journal Experimental and Clinical Psychopharmacology.
This information is a stern reminder that ADHD is not just about school performance for an adolescent or workplace performance for an adult. ADHD is a condition with far reaching medical and safety implications for everyone. We need to consider all the aspects of ADHD beyond inattention and hyperactivity and carefully weigh the risks and benefits of treatment, including medication. When it comes to driving with ADHD, talk to your doctor to make the best choice you can live with.
ADHD Client Self-Awareness and Confidence
February 9, 2009
I was struck by the pain a very successful entrepreneur shared with me. He grew up hearing that he was lazy and stupid because he couldn’t manage his time and stay ahead of his school work. Even after he was diagnosed with ADHD late in high school, his family couldn’t understand what he was struggling with and accused him of being undependable and dumb.
This bright, creative, kind man still carried many of the weaknesses that you might expect from someone with ADHD, but he does well with the occasional support of medication. He has made an impressive life for himself with huge successes in his personal and business life. He is the CEO of the midsized company he founded and has two great kids.
What hurts me is that he doesn’t know how good he is. He still feels like that kid his parents mistakenly thought he was. He has carried that false image forward through college graduation, a successful start-up business and the current, profitable company he has grown into a recognizable brand.
He came to me because inside he feels like a fraud. He wonders how others can keep from seeing the truth about him. This is one of the tragedies of ADHD, a person is functioning well, but hasn’t taken time out to correct and update their personal-awareness file. They are in an enviable position in their lives, but can’t enjoy the success.
My entrepreneurial client was stunned to hear from me that many around him were almost assuredly also feeling anxious about their competence, that early information so impresses itself on our brains that it’s difficult to shake up our primal self-image.
Understanding what was happening and having a chance to talk it out gave my client a great boost of self-confidence. He is surprised and pleased that there was this next level of confidence that he didn’t even know was available to him.
I asked him what kind of difference he thought this increased confidence would make in his life. He grinned and said that with everything he had going for him, he figured he could change the world if he wanted. He just might!
Sharing Expertise Isn’t Knowing It All
February 2, 2009
Jack, a young man in his early twenties, and I were talking, and taking more than our share of the guacamole dip, at a friend’s party. We were getting along well because he was dipping with the Fritos and I was using the multi-grain chips. He responded to my question about what he did for income by explaining that he was the day-manager of a men’s store.
He politely reciprocated the question and I explained that I was an ADHD/Executive coach and briefly described how, among other things, I tried to help people with difficulties around focus of attention and organizational issues find lasting solutions to problems that were standing in their way.
He brightened up and said, “I’d like to do that kind of work.” I asked him what about it appealed to him. He replied, “I am always able to tell my friends what to do when they’re stuck, and I think I would be good at it.”
He began to share with me some stories of his successful advice to friends; it was impressive in its scope and boldness. His raw certainty reminded me of more confident times in my life. I had a momentary sinking feeling as I realized, “Boy, are those days gone.”
The problem with his notion of his strength is that coaching isn’t about telling anyone what to do. Although, as I think about that, I do suppose I tell my self to stop talking and listen more. And I recently had to remind myself to cool it with the pearls of wisdom that sounded so interesting to me, but didn’t really address where my client was at.
The longer I practice, the more inclined I am to just ask questions.
“Where did your attention go at that moment?”
“Have you ever tried anything that worked?”
“Did you forget, or get distracted?”
“That was successful! What did you do differently to make it work?”
“How often does that happen?”
It’s my job to provide some scaffolding around my clients’ judgment, strategy, planning, etc. until they can get on their feet. Of course, there is a need for suggestions to consider when their stuck, but most of my effort is in trying to make the hidden visible and bring awareness to particular patterns, so that they can discover the methods that might work for them
I’m not sure what I’d tell them to do even if I had unusual perceptiveness. After all, until something is tried it isn’t clear what will work, and once it is tried, they’re often in a better position then I am to know what really works.
I told my young friend at the party something similar. I said, “I encourage you to explore a coaching career. I’m sure as you look it will become clear whether it is what you hope it might be. Let me know if I can help.”
Read more from Jay at: http://www.livingstonservices.com/
What Causes ADHD?
February 1, 2009
What Causes ADHD? Clients frequently ask this very important question. In order to properly treat a medical condition, it helps to know what caused it. There are a number of factors to consider, but at this point it is well known to science that the leading cause of ADHD is genetics. ADHD is almost as heritable as height. If you have been diagnosed with ADHD, there is a 15-20% chance that your sibling has ADHD and a 10-30% chance that one of your parents has ADHD. And if you are an identical twin diagnosed with ADHD there is a 60-70% chance that your twin will also have the condition.
But genetics isn’t the only cause. There are other risk factors for ADHD such as prenatal exposures, maternal smoking during pregnancy, maternal alcohol use during pregnancy, psychosocial stressors, and traumatic brain injury. However all of these other factors only add up to approximately 30%, while genetics is the cause of ADHD 60-70% of the time.
What does this mean for treatment? It tells us that ADHD is a medical, biological, neurodevelopmental condition, not a choice and not a made up diagnosis by the pharmaceutical industry. It reminds us that what may appear to be willful bad behavior on behalf of an ADHD child is more likely to be as hard wired in their DNA as the color of their eyes. It tells us that medication should be at least considered for a medical condition. It also guides us in our decisions regarding non-medication interventions.
Research has shown one of the best non-medication treatments for ADHD is education. A simple yet effective intervention for ADHD is in educating those around us – what ADHD is and what it is not. We need to educate medical professionals, teachers, parents, partners, spouses, employers and anyone else who will listen so that expectations can be adjusted for an ADHD individual and accommodations can be implemented as needed. One of my colleagues, Walter Sherburne, has started a free Adult ADHD support group in the Andover area as part as our initiative for public support and education. Additionally Drs. Cerulli and Stern are implementing www.askdrcerulli.com, a free Q&A teleseminar hosted the second Wed evening of every month. Just log onto www.askdrcerulli.com and post your question for the next live Q&A. We will be in touch!
ADHD Continues To Be Misunderstood
January 14, 2009
One of the biggest problems I see facing children, parents, and families affected by ADHD is the general lack of understanding about ADHD as a condition. Today, thanks largely in part to conspiracy and media coverage, almost everyone has an opinion about what it means to have ADHD or what ADHD behaviors look like.
The sad truth of the matter is that most people have it completely wrong.
As far as I am concerned, the success you have in managing ADHD and overcoming the challenges you have in life relies as much on your own understanding as it does the understanding of those people in your life and around you.
This is true for everything in life, but it is even more true for a condition like ADHD.
The Sad Truth:
Most people have it wrong. Most people do not understand ADHD, and they do not understand how people in life struggle.
Now I’m not here to put you down. On the contrary, I’m here to stand up and shout at the top of my lungs in support of you and your family. Why?
Despite everything we know about ADHD as a condition, many people still don’t believe it exists. There are countless myths about the condition, and how it should be treated. Simply put, there are professionals and non-professionals alike who have the wrong information.
And they are as passionate about sharing their information and beliefs, as I am and my colleagues are here at Cerulli & Associates.
I might be standing on a soapbox here, but I spend a lot of time trying to ensure that my clients have the right information as a foundation to supporting themselves or a loved one. I want the very same for you.
So all in all, please be careful who you listen to when it comes to the loved ones in your life. ADHD is incredibly complex – and I’m not sure we still fully understand it. But it all starts with the information you have access to and the supports you choose to have in your life.
What Do You Think?
We’d love to hear from you. Go ahead and give us your thoughts in the comments below.
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