Not as Bad as it Seems
October 27, 2009
Most of us grew up hearing many messages from our families, school teachers or other kids that suggested we had a lot we should feel bad about; we heard about everything we did wrong and very little about what we did right. Our school work was covered with marks that pointed out everything we did wrong; our mistakes at home got the most attention; and the nearly all the most dramatic feelings we heard were about our failures. It’s not surprising then that after all the repetitions of the negative we often end up feeling we’re not very worthy of positive feedback.
Negativity narrows us. We tend to have a narrower range of emotions, less creativity, fewer social connections, have a harder time with self-insight and more. The effects of negativity go even further though, we tend to be more affected by illness, have less resilience and be more prone to responding to others negatively.
Many of my clients find that it is as hard as anything they’ve done to try to find the good in themselves. I ask them to appreciate themselves and they freeze. I ask them point out the positive changes, or where they’ve succeeded and I get blank stares and a, “This stuff is hard!”
After we’ve worked together for awhile my questions will begin to bring a pause and sometimes a big laugh – they have caught themselves in a negative, dead-end thought process. Recently, one of my clients explained just how hard it was for him to notice the positive. He said with a wry grin, “What you’re asking is just about as hard as giving myself a frontal lobotomy.” Awareness and humor are a transition point for many of my clients.
They start noticing and sharing a few things they are proud they did, or an aspect of their personality they like. They discover that when they look at themselves carefully there are many more positive things to report on than negative. The day they interrupt me to be sure I noticed a positive piece of growth or success in an area we’ve focused on, that’s the day they realize this positive stuff isn’t as bad as it seems; in fact, eventually, it’s no harder than eating an ice-cream cone on a hot day.
Therapy is about working to bring more joy and meaning into your life. If you’re ready for a transition or even assume you can’t change, give me a call and let’s find a way to discover the positives.
Szifra Birke
Self-Correcting
October 19, 2009
Coaching has three distinct steps:
· Learn how to address a topic or issue you want to change
· Implement an effective approach or solution
· Keep at it through the ups and downs of your life
Using a system even when things are going well, or making adjustments in routines so that you don’t fall behind again is one of the major challenges to managing responsibilities more effectively. For many high-energy, bright, creative people routines can quickly become boring and our attention will drift to the next new or interesting project.
I find it tricky to help clients understand they need to stick with the coaching process until they have practiced pulling themselves out of a backslide toward chaos. When coaching has helped get things going better, and there is room to breathe again, it can feel discouraging to contemplate the next failure, but inevitably the pressures will build; you will drop your adherence to the systems that you learned; and pretty soon you will need to stop yourself and re-start the process. Done early, a restart can quickly get things back on track.
Each year sports teams start their season practices with conditioning (most players have let it slide during the off season) and practice of the basics (both to reestablish high quality patterns and responses and to build player skills to a higher level.) Musicians regularly play scales slowly and deliberately so that they can listen and improve the fundamentals their creative music depends on. Those of us that lead complex lives need to practice the fundamental skills that help keep us focused during times of pressure, skills that encourage us to quickly work our way back into proven routines.
You can always call your coach to remind you of what to do when things start coming apart, but your coach should also be helping you develop the ability to become self-correcting. Only with practice will you see a pile of papers that has grown too big and say, “I need to do a quick sort of this pile, but I have to be careful not to get too involved. I’ll set a timer for 15 minutes and try to make one pass through it.”
When a project is late you will stop for a minute and say, “Have I scheduled time in my book to work on this? What is the next small action to take to get started?” Or you will recognize that you don’t feel pressure yet, no one is upset at you – yet, and you will practice the techniques you learned to generate some of your own sense of urgency so that you get motivated to get to work.
Becoming self-correcting is a huge step toward successful self-regulation; be sure it’s on your agenda and your coach’s.
Jay Livingston
The Myth of Multitasking
October 8, 2009
I was recently asked to write an article on multitasking and wanted to share some of those insights with you. The take home message – there is no such thing as multitasking, at least for your brain. The human brain, even yours, is not wired for multitasking. The brain is complex and sophisticated enough to put a man on the moon, but it has a fatal flaw. The brain is only capable of paying attention to one thing at a time.
This may be hard to believe given the numerous reponsibilities we are bombarded with daily. But even while you are diligently juggling 20 tasks simultaneously, your brain is actually only paying attention to one at a time. When you multitask, your brain has to rapidly shift attention back and forth between those items at hand. This very minute your brain may be toggling among reading this blog, your blackberry pinging, the telephone ringing, and your toddler crying in the next room.
Why is this important? It turns out that the microseconds it takes our brain to toggle between items has a time cost associated. And the time costs increase the more complicated the tasks. In other words, when we multitask, we lose time! Those microseconds lost with each attentional shift can really add up at the end of the day. That is the myth of multitasking.
Researchers from the Federal Aviation Administration in collaboration with the University of Michigan found that students asked to solve 2 math problems did so faster if they completed one at a time consecutively rather than simultaneously. The speed of task completion was also faster if the task was less complex and familiar.
This research suggests one way to improve human performance is to stop multitasking! Your brain truly works most efficiently when completing one task before attending to the next. Contrary to popular belief you are not saving time by having your email inbox open 24/7. You are losing time. Feel free to share this blog with your boss.
Some practical tips:
- Try answering emails on a schedule i.e. 3 times/day.
- Open only one computer program at a time and complete that task before opening the next window.
- Hang your version of a Do Not Disturb sign to limit interruptions.
- Limit cell phone use while driving (those microseconds of shifting attention could cost a life).
- Remove all technology from the dinner table.
- For household mail use the OHIO principile “Only Handle it Once”. Act on it, file it, or toss it. Just don’t pile it!
- In conversations practice repeating back or paraphrasing what you just heard. It forces you to focus and helps the other person feel understood.
- Meditate – the ultimate focus!
Theresa Cerulli, M.D.
Substance Abuse and ADHD
September 14, 2009
If you are diagnosed with ADHD then you should know you are also at a higher risk for developing alcohol or other substance abuse problems. 52% of individuals who are diagnosed with ADD will have to deal with substance abuse during their lifetimes.
In a study of young adults with ADHD, Timothy Wilens, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School said, “70 percent were using substances (not to get high, but) to improve their mood, to sleep better, or for other reasons”.
Many of my clients who have abused cocaine, alcohol or marijuana say that when they first started using, the drugs helped them concentrate, they made fewer “stupid” decisions and most of all they felt much calmer. The term “self-medicating” is used to describe this type of use.
“When people with ADHD get older, the hyperactive component often diminishes,” says William Dodson, M.D., an ADHD specialist, “but inside, they’re just as hyper as ever. They need something to calm their brain enough to be productive.”
Treating ADHD with medications appears to reduce the tendency to abuse drugs and alcohol. In a study at MGH and Harvard Medical School, 75 percent of boys diagnosed with ADHD and not receiving medication started abusing marijuana, alcohol, hallucinogens, stimulants, or cocaine within 4 years of the study’s beginning, while only 25 percent of the boys diagnosed with ADHD and taking medication and 18 percent of the boys without ADHD did. This means the medications reduced the risk of substance abuse or dependence by 84 percent.
When I first started treating high functioning adults with ADHD there was a debate about whether to first treat the ADHD or the substance abuse; many people felt it wasn’t effective to deal with both at the same time. I encouraged my patients to tackle the two issues together and I’m pleased to see that that is now the accepted approach.
We have research to show that the combination of medication where necessary along with therapy is a potent approach to many mental health issues. My experience shows that this is certainly true for the treatment for ADHD. Medication, therapy, coaching or a blend of these approaches helps my clients manage their lives more effectively including managing their substance use and abuse.
How can you tell if you’re on the road to abusing alcohol? These statistics from William R. Miller and Ricardo F. Munoz’s, “How to Control your Drinking: A Practical Guide to Responsible Drinking” (1982) give some guidance on how Americans drink. Where do you fall?
- Over 80% drink less than 3 or more drinks per week or not at all (32%)
- Only 16-18% drink at least 10-13 drinks per week (about 2 per day on average)
- Only 11% drink 20 drinks per week (about 3 per day on average)
- Only 6% drink 40 drinks per week (about 6 per day on average)
- Only 3% drink 10 or more per day
If you would like to take a closer look at your substance use, I’d encourage you to get an experienced professional’s help in evaluating whether you need to make some changes.
Szifra Birke, M.S.
Easy Way to Plan Your Week
September 7, 2009
We live our lives caught amid almost unlimited past, present and future demands. Making decisions about how to use our limited time and energy often means choosing among those projects that feel most urgent, finishing long-postponed tasks or planning for future success; planning almost always gets put aside.
Those with ADD or an ADD style are more likely than most to find themselves involved in urgent projects that have been let go a little too long and if they are going to look toward the future, they often just glimpse discrete, cutting-edge projects that grab their attention and beg for implementation. Future planning to reduce crises and move projects ahead before they become urgent gets no attention.
Planning doesn’t have to be tough. It starts with a simple assessment of your needs for the next few weeks.
-
What would you like to have time for if you were going to function at your best?
-
Time to catch up on paperwork?
-
Time to review which projects need to get done soon?
-
Set-aside time to contact new prospects? Uninterrupted creative time?
Now you know what needs to happen, you only have to figure out when.
Which things need to happen every day? Every Week? Once a month? Get out your calendar and find a time to schedule the task. Your upcoming month will have the beginning of a plan.
Planning can start at both ends of the time line. What will things look like in one to three years? Or what does my next week need to contain? The best idea is to start simple and address a fuller picture as you get more comfortable. Discouraged just thinking about it? Try this…
-
What would you like to work on this week?
-
What is a simple beginning action that you could take?
-
What time could you schedule to do that action tomorrow? (15 minutes may be all you need.)
-
Schedule a block of follow-up time for each day the rest of the week.
-
When you finish tomorrow decide on the step or steps for the next day.
You’ve planned part of a week! Pick a project to schedule the following week. Of course there are any number of things that you would benefit from learning about planning and long-term strategies, but even week to week planning has boosted the productivity of many of my sales and executive coaching clients.
Jay Livingston
Why Distractions Grab Us
August 4, 2009
Our worlds are filled with distractions – emails, loud conversations, cell phones, radios and televisions–the list seems endless. But why do these grab and hold our attention when we have projects that are important or urgent?
In her book “Rapt” Winifred Gallagher takes a close look at the science of paying attention. Apparently our brains are hardwired to focus on the most “colorful” thing in our environment; read this as loud, interesting or literally colorful. Brain scans show our brains light differently up when these kinds of events invade our environment.
It is certainly difficult to fight this biologically based pull, and even more so if your brain is hyper-sensitive to distractions. But science shows that we can pull our attention away from a sight or sound that grabs our attention. We can use our pre-frontal cortex, the aware thinking part of the brain to override the intrusion. With practice and solid techniques we can improve our capacity to focus.
We can increase our abilities through biofeedback, regular meditation and cues that invoke our thinking. Ms. Gallagher is a fan of meditation to increase focus, but she admits to using an even simpler method when she’s trapped in a noisy environment – earplugs. She compares this to a personal stimulus control shelter. This is similar to my suggestion to my clients that they consider facing the wall rather than the crowd in a restaurant.
Ms. Gallagher says that after a period of concentration, our prefrontal cortex probably needs a break. Simple tasks like answering e-mail or returning phone calls can help us rest and be ready to focus again. Beware of getting distracted though, because after an interruption the brain can take 20 minutes to do its equivalent of rebooting and refocusing.
Ms. Gallagher also feels that “Multitasking is a myth.” “You cannot do two things at once. The mechanism of attention is selection: it’s either this or it’s that. People don’t understand that attention is a finite resource, like money.”
To have fewer distractions and fewer 20 minute periods of rebooting, try turning down the frequency of email retrieval, work on difficult or important projects first while your brain is most able to manage distractions well, and arrange uninterrupted work time. For more ideas consider talking with an experienced ADD coach.
Jay Livingston can be contacted at Jay@Livingstonservices.com or 978-446-9600
Competing with a Computer Screen
June 16, 2009
Marty sat talking to me with his eyes on his computer screen and regularly input burst of typing. I tried sitting at the other end of his desk so he would be forced to look away from the screen, but he just pushed his chair back and swung his head from the screen to me until I lost out and he was back to starring at the screen.
More and more jobs seem to necessitate people keeping an eye out for incoming emails or require the completion of a computer form as part of the appointment process. I first encountered this at a specialist’s office where the physician did a remarkably thorough job, but rarely looked up from his screen. Now I see my ADD clients struggle with it.
Some people think I’m entertaining and my wife even thinks I’m funny, but I couldn’t get Marty to take his eyes off his screen. I reminded him that he was not paying attention and he apologized but quickly drifted back. I finally asked him to turn off the monitor while we talked about what to do. He was very willing, but the interesting thing was he kept checking the blank screen every 15 to 30 seconds. That was better though because he would check in with me more often and his conversation was more responsive.
The computer is a huge time safer and it is a huge interruption and distraction. Those with ADD have to be particularly vigilant about letting it dominate their day. A few suggestions:
· Turn off the monitor when you’re having meetings or business conversations; it’s easy to fire it back up again.
· Close the email program or set it to not go looking for email but once an hour – you can always manually click the send/receive button.
· Turn off all signals that you have email and set a kitchen timer for one hour to remind you to check.
· Move away from your desk when you’re having a business conversation so that you’re not distracted by other non-technological things on your desk.
· Get a squeeze ball or some other fidget toy to play with while you talk.
Marty came up with an interesting solution on his own, he now takes notes with a pen while we talk; of course he spends a lot of time starring at his notebook. Funny but that doesn’t bother me nearly as much.
Jay Livingston can be contacted at Jay@LivingstonServices.com
Singing Our Own Songs
June 5, 2009
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
Henry David Thoreau
“Alas for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Recently, a therapy client referenced Henry David Thoreau’s quote about men who live in “quiet isolation.” This individual felt a strong connection to the notion that most of us live within ourselves, hidden from those around us. When I went to research more about Thoreau’s work, I happened upon the famous Oliver Wendell Holmes line, “for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them.” The quotes from these two authors are often merged to read, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”
The words of Thoreau and Holmes were penned in the mid-1800’s, but I suspect that they are more relevant today than ever before. What a sin it is to quietly despair, not sharing our thoughts, joys, worries and hopes with others. There are many reasons why so many of us live in hiding. One of the most obvious is the fact that, as a society, we have placed such an ever-increasing emphasis on independence that we have left little room for the importance of “community.” We communicate through text messages and emails with people across the globe while too often not even knowing our neighbors.
But there is an even more pervasive reason why we keep ourselves hidden from those around us. Too many of us are burdened by a sense of shame. As a therapist, I can attest to the power of shame, and there is no shortage for the causes of shame. We feel shame about our shape, size, professional status, athletic performance, and school achievement. Feelings are also a powerful source of shame. When we experience depression, self-doubt, anxiety and fear, we mistakenly believe that no one else would understand, and even worse, that we will be ridiculed after admitting to feeling frail. In short, we hide from others so they won’t see how “deformed” we feel we truly are.
Just this morning, a member of my men’s group summed it up like this: “I’ve been hiding out…being this way in life is not very fun.” Another group member, while sharing a recent breakthrough in communication with his wife, said, “telling others how you feel is the center of everything.” Having the freedom to share ourselves fully is, to paraphrase Oliver Wendell Holmes, the act of singing our own deeply personal songs.
And so I ask you, what songs have you sung lately? Who knows how you feel? Who have you cried to, laughed with or held? “Dan” was right, life without connection to others isn’t very much fun at all. And if you are reading this and saying it’s too late for me, IT’S NEVER TOO LATE to connect to others. There are probably those around you already who would sit and listen. And if you don’t think you have anyone there for you, it’s okay to ask for help from a family member, a friend, someone at your house of worship, and yes, even a therapist. Life is too short to postpone the joy of connection!
Walter Sherburne, LICSW
Make an Appointment with Your Anxiety
May 5, 2009
Keeping Anxiety in Its Place
I was recently invited to give a talk to a group of clients from a financial planning firm. These successful people had good jobs, adequate savings and potentially rich lives. They were in no danger of losing it all in the current market situation, but there was an awful lot of worry and anxiety in the room.
Worry and anxiety are fear of something that might happen in the future; fear of something that hasn’t happened, isn’t happening and may never happen. When we allow worry to become a major player in our life, we are letting our fear of the future hijack our enjoyment of the present.
I wanted to give my audience some simple, practical methods to reduce their worries so I shared a technique with them that I teach some of my therapy clients.
Corral your worries into a specific time and place. Since worry is focused on a vague and uncertain time and event in the future, it isn’t anchored to any particular time and place now and therefore it can easily begin to creep into all your activities and situations. It’s crucial that you find away to give yourself a break from it.
Trying to ignore a worry is often no more effective than trying to not think about white elephants. Thinking about not thinking is thinking about it. You get the idea. So I suggest you try giving the worry a specific time and place all of its own. Make an appointment to worry.
Imagine looking at your calendar. Choose a time when you will bring your attention to worries. For example, you can decide that you will worry from 3 to 3:30 every other day. When you find yourself starting to worry at any other time, your job is to stop, notice what’s happening and promise to spend time worrying tomorrow between 3 and 3:30. Then you attempt to return to a productive or pleasurable activity. If the worry comes up again, you note it and promise to spend time at the next designated worry appointment . If you have multiple worries, keep a list of all the things you want to worry about during your scheduled time so you don’t forget any.
For this to work you have to fulfill your commitment to actually take the time to worry. You won’t put the worry aside if you know you might not take the time to focus on it later. Keep your appointment and worry. You may find that worry takes another form; it might end up being less like diffuse fretting and more like actual problems to be attended to. Build credibility with yourself and follow through by paying attention to whatever is on your mind that is concerning and preoccupying. Write, talk out loud—whatever is the best form of attending to your worries.
Each time you put aside the worry and make it wait for its time, you develop your ability to do that with less effort the next time. It’s like exercising in order to build a “wait for it” muscle. The new pattern begins to build new circuitry in your brain and it becomes easier and easier.
For more information about managing worry and anxiety you’re welcome to call for an appointment. 978-446-9600 or send me an email with your contact information.
Szifra Birke
(My name only looks impossible; it’s pronounced SHifra).
Honey is the Answer
April 24, 2009
Some sayings are familiar and end up being supported by research findings. “It’s easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar,” is one example.
It would be surprising if you didn’t agree with the old saying, yet very few of us practice its advice in our daily lives. Well, researchers have proven once again that positive feedback is in fact more powerful than negative criticism at “catching” behavior change in a positive direction.
In one study, researchers videoed people bowling and then showed them the playback while pointing out either the mistakes they made or the things they did correctly; people improved much more with the positive feedback than with the negative.
Other studies have shown that parents of tough kids improve their parenting when their children’s positive actions are pointed out, and that people can be trained to change actions and behaviors with nothing but positive feedback.
There is a growing movement of consultants using “Appreciative Inquiry” to help businesses and organizations solve long-standing problems and develop new strategies. Those of us who have practiced these approaches with organizations and with individuals are struggling for a descriptive label to identify positive approaches. “Appreciative Coaching” is a possibility as is “Positive Coaching.”
There is another group of us who wants to be sure that “Strength Based Coaching” is properly placed with the other positive approaches. Recognizing and building on strengths is a pivotal aspect of many approaches.
The bottom line is to be selective, choose to work with someone who appreciates your strengths and will reflect the most positive aspects of you living your life well. Be certain your coach gives at least 3 to 1 positive to negative feedback and holds a vision of a brighter future that builds on your strengths.
Is this a Pollyanna approach? No, it just focuses on where you want to head, not where you tripped.
For more information call Jay Livingston at 978-446-9600, email me at Jay@LivingstonServices.com or visit my website at www.LivingstonServices.com
Subscribe In A Reader
