A Tough Time Being Wrong

August 7, 2010

 When I was in my twenties, I knew that I was right. Other’s observations were really just opinions and didn’t take my full situation into account. Well, I wasn’t always right, but I was rarely absolutely wrong.

One day when I was 19, a group of people explained that I was just dead wrong in my perception of why I did a certain thing. I explained that they didn’t know me well enough to know the whole story. They said, “Give it up!” There were eight of them so I just let them talk and then tried to let it go.

30 minutes later I was walking down the street when I got hit so hard by the truth that I had to stop and sit on the curb until my legs could hold me up again – they were right, I was wrong. I was never able to be as confidently right again. That conversion experience opened up a rich life-long self exploration path.

Kathryn Schulz, in her new book, Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margins of Error, takes the whole issue of being wrong and gives it the attention it deserves. Hers is the most balanced look at rightness and wrongness that any of us non-philosophers could want. She is entertaining, easy to follow and asks provoking questions, the kind that start to creep into the rest of your life in interesting ways.

One of her key points is that we need errors to help us learn. If we can’t be open to alternatives, if we don’t dare explore possible dead ends, we limit our growth. Coaching, therapy and any other kind of exploration of the truths of our lives puts us at risk to discover that we’ve been wrong.

But if we feel we can’t afford to be wrong, we’ll block the reality that is right in front of our eyes. I say to myself that the only way to be wrong is to not learn. An interesting idea, but it may be wrong. I’ll keep my eyes open and see what there is to learn.

Jay Livingston

Calming Strategies for Children

June 7, 2010

“He’s a terror when things don’t go his way … We’re always worried that he’s going to make a scene and embarrass us … We find ourselves walking on eggshells, trying to avoid one of his meltdowns.”

I hear a lot of that kind of thing from parents of children I work with in my practice. They tell me they often feel stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted from their child’s frequent struggles and outbursts. Parents jump at the opportunity to learn some effective strategies for coping with this common challenge.

As children move through their day, they are bound to bump into situations that are potentially upsetting. Some children are born with calmer temperments and better self quieting skills, while others need to actively learn and be taught how to cope with everyday disappointments and frustrations in a positive way. This is one of the most important things a parent can help a child do. No child enjoys being out of control … it’s simply the only tactic he knows. The good news is you can help your child learn strategies to cope with his emotions constructively and have an easier time getting along in the family, with peers and in school. The bonus — you get to have stress relief, too!

Creating a “My Hard Times Board” (suggested by Peg Dawson EdD and Richard Guare PhD in their book “Smart but Scattered”) with your child utilizes an excellent tool for teaching him new calming and coping strategies. Remember these few tips before you begin:

• Child and parent collaborate throughout this entire process. 
• Choose a time to design this plan when your child is calm and receptive. Nothing constructive can be developed during an outburst!
• Make sure there’s plenty of opportunity for practice each day. After all, Tiger Woods could never make those spectacular putts without lots of it. Even he misses on occasion and so will your child. Mistakes will happen – you can bank on that. But, your child will be reassured when you let him know that there’s always another chance to try again later.   

STEP I: Together with your child, identify and record a couple of the most common triggers to your child’s outbursts (i.e. parents say “no,” plans don’t work out as anticipated, your child is told to stop doing something fun to do something less enjoyable, your child thinks things aren’t fair).

STEP II: Together, list and record your child’s “can’t do” behaviors that he often uses when he is frustrated (i.e. yell, hit, throw things).

STEP III: Together make a list of your child’s “can do” behaviors to replace the undesirable ones that occur when he is beginning to feel upset. This list is most effective when your child’s personal interests are represented so that his choices are engaging and interesting to him. (Examples of “can do” strategies follow after Step IV).

STEP IV: Now that the board or chart has been designed and your child is invested in the process, it’s important to keep it going by implementing the following concepts.

• A good way to get started is to have your child choose one of these strategies (that follow) and practice the technique with your child for a few minutes each morning and after school. During each practice have your child pretend he is getting upset, describe the body sensations he feels when he is angry and rehearse his calming strategy. Expect to practice these strategies many times before seeing your child using them successfully. Research tells us that it takes 21 days to make a new habit.
• You and your child might want to develop a special signal, a visual or verbal cue, that is a reminder to use one of his calming strategies. Remember, when your child chooses one of the positive behaviors on his “can do” list, it’s time to offer up enthusiastic praise and even tangible incentives such as stickers, rewards or special activities. Everyone loves a prize for a job well-done! 

Here’s a sampling of “can do” strategies for calming and redirecting behavior. Personalize this list by creating names that resonate with your child.  

• Happy Birthday:  Teaching children to take deep breaths when they begin to get upset may seem simplistic, but it’s a lifelong skill for managing stress that has emotional, behavioral and physical benefits. Explain to your child that we all have warning signs that tell us we are getting angry. Help your child recognize the signs his body is sending out that lets him know that he’s getting angry (i.e. face gets red; fists clench; heart pounds; breathe faster). When he feels the warning signs, have him take three deep breaths. Next have your child hold up his hand, palm toward his face with fingers spread. Coach your child to blow on each finger as if he is blowing out five birthday candles, one at a time and very slowly. When you see your child getting frustrated, you might say, “Now might be a great time to blow out the candles.” In the beginning you might want to do the breathing along with your child. Set the pace, modeling for your child and letting your calm presence soothe him. 
• Cozy & Cool:  With your child’s help, create a “safe spot” where he can go to regroup. This special, positive place in the house is where he can go to calm down, sort things out or just chill out when he needs to be alone. It could be a teepee, a beanbag chair, a hammock, or any space your child sees as comfortable and inviting. In the “safe spot” include soft items like blankets, stuffed animals and a basket of quiet time activities that he can play with while relaxing (books, puzzles). Encourage your child to go to his “safe spot” when he feels himself becoming upset. Teach him that sometimes in an angry situation it is best to walk away, go to his “safe spot” and cool down.
• My Never Never Land:  Use relaxation visualization to design an imaginary place that makes your child feel calm. Help your child create a mind picture of a special place that makes him feel peaceful with all of the colors, sounds, textures, and smells that go with the memory. For example, a child may have a happy memory of a time at the beach. When he feels upset, he can take a “trip to the beach.” He can close his eyes, smell the ocean air, feel the sand between his toes, and feel the sun shining on him. Given the opportunity to run with this, your child may add props to further enhance the experience. One child I know took his towel and sunglasses to his “beach retreat” whenever he needed a “beach break.”  How clever is that!
• Picasso’s Playground.  Build a spot that includes an array of art materials that can be used independently as a calming and quieting activity. For some children, working with clay, drawing, or doing crafts is soothing and distracts them from the dilemma at hand. As time goes on, try adding new items to keep up the novelty and high interest of the center. Parents, keep a ready supply of items to have on hand so that you can change and rotate art supplies as needed. Keep your eye out for those treasures that might hold your child’s interest.
• Shake, Rattle & Roll:  Your child can take a walk, shoot baskets, jump rope, swing on a swing, kick a soccer ball, bounce a ball, or dance to his favorite music. Some children get calming benefits from physical release. 
• Beatles & Beethoven:  Create a listening center with a CD player and earphones where your child can go to listen to music, books on tape or sing a song into a microphone. Dust off that old karaoke machine!
• Splish Splash … Takin’ a Bath?  For some children, water is soothing and comforting and gives distance from the problem at hand. Try bubbles in the sink, sprinklers in the yard or an old fashioned bubble bath.

There is no single strategy that is good for every child and every family but with lots of practice, role playing, and simulations, children learn new calming techniques that can help them think before they act. Over time, the goal is for your child to develop both the skill and confidence to handle difficult situations on his own without getting upset and losing control. Remember the best way to teach kids how to manage upsetting feelings constructively is to model calmness through your example. Together, and with a lot of patience, much love and lightheartedness, you and your child will find a calmer and more joyful path.

  Doreen Fay EdD

A New Way to Help Change Your Behavior

May 1, 2010

David told me he needed help getting things done on time, but when I started talking with him about how he managed the details of his life, he stopped talking about changing and started talking about how he had always been late and would never change.

“I always say I will get a project done early, but I never have. I always just end up feeling like such a loser and then I do it again the same way next time. I can’t change.”

Ron came into our first meeting and said his wife was about to leave him because he was never on time.

“I promise to be home before the kids are in bed, but then I just get caught in a project at work and it’s 9:00 PM before I get home. I’ve tried everything, but I’m just not going to change.”

Sheila and Ted were referred by Ted’s doctor for couple’s coaching. When I asked, “What would your life look like if it suddenly improved?” Sheila’s frustration just burst forth.

“He keeps telling me that he’ll do better, but it’s been fifteen years and he still never gets anywhere on time. Am I supposed to act like that’s normal?”

Ted looked up sheepishly and reported, “I feel terrible and I know I’m impossible to live with, but no matter what I try it doesn’t work. I’m just a mess; what can I do?”

Each of these clients ended up making changes that made life easier for them and for their spouses and work colleagues. And where did I suggest they start? By forgiving themselves.

A study by M. Wohl et al, detailed in a paper entitled, “I Forgive Myself, Now I Can Study: How Forgiveness for Procrastinating Can Reduce Future Procrastinating,” gives some interesting evidence that forgiving yourself for messing up can help free you to give a better effort at trying again.

In my practice I’ve seen that an increased ability to implement a new approach, along with an effective technique and the support of an understanding ally can make a huge difference. I encourage my clients to pay close attention to the fact we’re talking about forgiving themselves. And while it may be helpful for their spouse to forgive them, it’s the self-forgiveness and then a sincere new effort that is key.

Did you know that old dogs can learn new tricks? And people of all ages can and do learn new ways to act in their lives, especially if they can forgive themselves for past mistakes.

Give a call if I can help, 978-446-9600.

Jay Livingston

Telling Stories

April 5, 2010

“We were at the store and she began telling me that I couldn’t buy the lawn mower. But I wasn’t going to buy it; I was just asking to see if I could get a discount. She got moody and…”

I surprise many of my new coaching clients when I tell them we’re going to skip the rest of the story. Many of them have been encouraged in therapy to tell these “war” stories. And I can imagine times it might be helpful, but most of the time I don’t want or need to hear them.

My coaching takes a forward pointed approach – “Where do you want to go from here?” not so much “Where have you been?”

When I begin to hear a story that is full of the kind of passion and even blame that underpins most disagreements with partners, I just barge right in and call a stop. I’m interested in only one aspect of the story. What could the speaker have done differently to have a more effective conversation, to reach their goal, to create an alliance with their partner, to change their behavior?

I know life is hard and conversations with partners can be very difficult, but the chances of changing your partner are slight if you haven’t changed yourself. So, I start with the most interesting part, how to change your behavior – the one area of life we all have some control over.

Stories allow us to rehearse our past mistakes and support our old, tired way of seeing things. Looking for new ways to redo the same old situations lets us practice new behaviors and ways of seeing things. Start your new behavior by imagining how to redo the old patterns.

What to do with your feelings about how you’ve been treated or spoken to is trickier. But you have to be careful that you don’t just fan the flames of your feelings by telling the story.

Growth and change, that’s what’s important. When I see my clients changing, I know we’ve hit the right balance.

Jay Livingston

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One Approach to Procrastination

February 26, 2010

If you tend to procrastinate until a deadline is on top of you and forcing you to get things done, and you know this is hurting the quality of your work, causing stress to you and probably to your clients, boss or family, then how do you stop procrastinating about dealing with your procrastination?

This might be a fun puzzle if it weren’t so crucial that you find a way to get started changing your approach. One of the common side effects of procrastination is that people in your life lose trust in you and get angry. As you well know, this is usually matched by your own anger at yourself. But this pressure usually doesn’t translate into motivation to get started.

If life were a sport and you were critiquing yourself for missing critical shots because you didn’t keep your eye on the ball, I’d be pointing out that your focus on past mistakes is taking your attention away from the current situation, taking your “eye” off the ball again. Drop the self-critique, get a bit of help with your technique and try again.

The best hitters in baseball look for, and can see, the stitching on the ball as it comes at them at up to a hundred miles an hour. They know that they need to look for this detail to pull their attention to the ball; just looking in the direction of the ball doesn’t allow them to see the tiny changes in directions that they need to see in order to connect with the pitch. Golfers watch the dimples on the ball as it sits on the tee.

To get started on a project, focus on the details of getting started. What project will you start? Schedule it in your calendar. What small, discreet aspect of the project will you do? Define it and plan on doing just that much. What exactly will your next action on the project be? Write it out very simply as a task.

Think about teeing up the project – choose which one you’re going to work on.  Keep your head down, your eye on the ball and hit it just well enough to move it down the course and keep it in the fairway – do a small piece of it.  Now you’re ready for the next shot – concentrate on the new swing no matter whether you’re in the rough or on the course.

For you baseball fans, what you’re looking for is a single, not a home run; don’t over reach. Just connect with the pitch. Basketball aficionados, take one step and move the ball down the court. Every foot closer to the basket increases the odds of a score. Tennis players, make a solid smooth hit and get the ball across the net and into the court. Now set up for the next shot.

What do you need to get done? Right now schedule a time to work on it, and resolve to treat it like an important meeting. What is the first little step to getting the project started or moving it ahead? Write it down on your task list.

Procrastination can be head faked that easily.

Contact Jay Livingston

Couples Coaching

January 21, 2010

What is “Couples Coaching”?

Many of my clients who have ADD have exasperated spouses who are upset with them about starting too many projects and finishing too few, interrupting mid sentence, being late, losing keys, cell phone, etc.… I’m sure you can add to this list.

When I suggest the option of couple’s coaching to them, they’re surprised. Couple’s coaching is a relatively new offering for couples struggling with the affects of ADD or ADHD in the family. Couples’ coaching has similarities to, but is quite different from couples counseling, marriage counseling, and psychotherapy.

A traditional coach will work with you or your spouse. A couple’s coach works with you and your spouse. This person is not a life coach, and may or may not be an ADD implementation coach. Couples’ coaches that I recommend have a deep knowledge of relationships, ADD and ADHD, and some training in family work.

Many issues that couples contend with are completely unrelated to ADD. Expectations, communication styles, different ways of figuring things out, needs for intimacy and connection, and money can all create challenges to smooth and comfortable relating. Then there are the ADD-related issues like disorganization, losing focus, clutter, a different sense of time, starting and not completing tasks, impulsive communication and/or decision making… You get the idea.

Partners (non-ADD or less ADD) may contact the coach because they are frustrated or annoyed. People struggling with ADD symptoms may also initiate the call because they really want to please their partners, are trying very hard to make things work better, don’t want to have conflicts, and want to make positive lasting changes.

Coaching can be helpful for both newlyweds and couples who have been together 25 (or 45) years.

At Cerulli and Associates, we have a variety of professionals, including a couple’s coach; Jay Livingston does executive coaching and ADHD coaching, alongside his skillful couples coaching. He and I work closely, sometimes seeing couples together. I’ve found this blending of skills and approaches to work really well for certain couples.

 

On Second Thought…

January 14, 2010

Some interesting research shows that on first impulse we usually tend to overrate but occasionally underrate our abilities, and it’s only after a moment’s reflection, in which our brain gets a chance to bring its full cognitive capabilities to the evaluation, that we estimate our skills accurately.

You’ve probably heard of the study where almost all drivers rated their driving as better than most other drivers, a clearly unrealistic self-evaluation. Although I’m pretty sure my skills do put me in the top tier of drivers. 

Clearly, we sometimes don’t do a good job of evaluating ourselves.

When studies ask self-evaluation questions a second time, after a moment’s pause, the answers are a more realistic assessment. How good are you at estimating time? “Excellent?” How excellent? “Oh, the “pretty ok when I’m paying attention” kind of excellent.”

This information may be particularly important for those with ADHD who have a tendency toward impulsiveness and over-optimistic projections. Think of quickly answering a question about when you will be home with “Half an hour!” After a minute of slowing down and working it out, you might agree that the most likely correct answer would be an hour or more.

By waiting you’ve allowed yourself time to tap into your ability to compute details and mathematically figure out answer to questions, and you’ve allowed your intuitive side time to process unconscious information and experiences you have stored.

“Can you take on this new project?” If you answer “Sure!” without a pause to allow realistic concerns to bubble up, you’re trying to function at your best by using only part of your ability. It is clearly in our long-term interest to pause long enough to give our brains time to bring their full potential to bear on our response.

I’d suggest you pause, breathe, say, “Let me check my schedule and task list.” Do anything to allow your full intelligence and experience time to evaluate your answer.

Jay Livingston

Start Changing Right Now, for Couples

November 29, 2009

Ken and Mary found their relationship deteriorating more and more often into angry blaming sessions. Neither felt they were being listened to or understood, and neither experienced the other as trying to make it better. They had seen a therapist a few years back but they found themselves in the same spot again and asked their family physician for another referral.

He appropriately asked them why they weren’t going back to the original therapist. Mary answered most simply, “We talked a lot about how our parents’ marriages affect us, and shared our feelings, but we never really understood what we should do when we were in the middle of a blow-up.”

Their physician hesitated, and then asked, “I can refer you to a couples coach. You should each expect to be challenged to change your own behavior and learn new ways to communicate. It’s all very practical and focused on your present situations and behaviors, but it can be too direct if what you really want is to have someone sympathize with you.”

Both said they wanted to try it and he gave them a referral to me. Boy were they surprised at the first meeting when I told them, “I don’t want to hear your story. I just wanted us to start with one of the conversations that you find it hard to have. We’ll use the conversation to take a look at your individual conversational strengths and weaknesses, and come up with new strategies.”

They started talking with each other about how they wanted to parent their children and almost immediately Mary started blaming Ken for not being consistent. I stopped the conversation and asked her what she was trying to accomplish.

This simple question opened up an explanation of her feelings, but once we had briefly reviewed them I suggested we start the conversation again and this time we got a bit further before Ken calmly explained that Mary didn’t respect him or his parenting style.

Once again I stopped the conversation and told Ken that I heard that was how he felt, but it was presented as an assumption about Mary that might just be his creative story and have little to do with what Mary really felt. I encouraged him to check it out.

This conversation went on for the hour and a half we had scheduled and in their summary both Ken and Mary were more accepting of their role in conversational failures and motivated to clear things up. I gave them things to try at home and we wrapped up.

Couples Coaching is about changing current behaviors so that an individual can get what they want out of a relationship. It focuses more on effective and lasting change, and learning through actions, then on supportive empathy. It isn’t right for every couple, but can be powerful for highly motivated couples.

If you’re interested in having your questions answered about Couples Coaching, contact me or phone me at 978-446-9600.

Jay Livingston

Self-Correcting

October 19, 2009

Coaching has three distinct steps:

·         Learn how to address a topic or issue you want to change

·         Implement an effective approach or solution

·         Keep at it through the ups and downs of your life

Using a system even when things are going well, or making adjustments in routines so that you don’t fall behind again is one of the major challenges to managing responsibilities more effectively. For many high-energy, bright, creative people routines can quickly become boring and our attention will drift to the next new or interesting project.

I find it tricky to help clients understand they need to stick with the coaching process until they have practiced pulling themselves out of a backslide toward chaos. When coaching has helped get things going better, and there is room to breathe again, it can feel discouraging to contemplate the next failure, but inevitably the pressures will build; you will drop your adherence to the systems that you learned; and pretty soon you will need to stop yourself and re-start the process. Done early, a restart can quickly get things back on track.

Each year sports teams start their season practices with conditioning (most players have let it slide during the off season) and practice of the basics (both to reestablish high quality patterns and responses and to build player skills to a higher level.) Musicians regularly play scales slowly and deliberately so that they can listen and improve the fundamentals their creative music depends on. Those of us that lead complex lives need to practice the fundamental skills that help keep us focused during times of pressure, skills that encourage us to quickly work our way back into proven routines.

You can always call your coach to remind you of what to do when things start coming apart, but your coach should also be helping you develop the ability to become self-correcting. Only with practice will you see a pile of papers that has grown too big and say, “I need to do a quick sort of this pile, but I have to be careful not to get too involved. I’ll set a timer for 15 minutes and try to make one pass through it.”

When a project is late you will stop for a minute and say, “Have I scheduled time in my book to work on this? What is the next small action to take to get started?” Or you will recognize that you don’t feel pressure yet, no one is upset at you – yet, and you will practice the techniques you learned to generate some of your own sense of urgency so that you get motivated to get to work.

Becoming self-correcting is a huge step toward successful self-regulation; be sure it’s on your agenda and your coach’s.

Jay Livingston

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Easy Way to Plan Your Week

September 7, 2009

We live our lives caught amid almost unlimited past, present and future demands. Making decisions about how to use our limited time and energy often means choosing among those projects that feel most urgent, finishing long-postponed tasks or planning for future success; planning almost always gets put aside.

Those with ADD or an ADD style are more likely than most to find themselves involved in urgent projects that have been let go a little too long and if they are going to look toward the future, they often just glimpse discrete, cutting-edge projects that grab their attention and beg for implementation. Future planning to reduce crises and move projects ahead before they become urgent gets no attention.

Planning doesn’t have to be tough. It starts with a simple assessment of your needs for the next few weeks.

• What would you like to have time for if you were going to function at your best?
• Time to catch up on paperwork?
• Time to review which projects need to get done soon?
• Set-aside time to contact new prospects? Uninterrupted creative time?

Now you know what needs to happen, you only have to figure out when.

Which things need to happen every day? Every Week? Once a month? Get out your calendar and find a time to schedule the task. Your upcoming month will have the beginning of a plan.

Planning can start at both ends of the time line. What will things look like in one to three years? Or what does my next week need to contain? The best idea is to start simple and address a fuller picture as you get more comfortable. Discouraged just thinking about it? Try this…

•  What would you like to work on this week?
• What is a simple beginning action that you could take? 
• What time could you schedule to do that action tomorrow? (15 minutes may be all you need.)
•  Schedule a block of follow-up time for each day the rest of the week.
•  When you finish tomorrow decide on the step or steps for the next day.

You’ve planned part of a week! Pick a project to schedule the following week. Of course there are any number of things that you would benefit from learning about planning and long-term strategies, but even week to week planning has boosted the productivity of many of my sales and executive coaching clients.

Jay Livingston

Contact Jay

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